I, David N. Scott have led an interesting life, I've lived in three different states, six different houses and as of today 21 years. During some time spent remembering it occurs to me that the most life changing events of my life have probably occurred within the last four years. Had you told me where I'd be a year ago I'd have taken it with some extreme consideration, two years ago I'd have been skeptical, three years ago and I'd thought you were insane. It is always amazing to look back upon the past and see just how much change can happen in such a short period of time. Perhaps the most significant is the past illness and death of my father, Paul Scott. After he passed away I continued on with college, and gave hardly a thought to his passing having for some reason failed to feel the remorse that I had anticipated upon his passing, However it seems that both my heart and mind are often slow to catch up to reality. Before I continue to far let me first clarify some aspects of my relationship with him, I loved him, he was my father and whether or not I agreed at the time, at the heart I did love him for him being my dad. Was he perfect? No, like any man he had his failings ans some of those he seemed to pass along to me, during the three years before his death I was often at odds with him, and even though I spent much of my time at the house I often avoided his company. Competitive nature can be a great blessing, however it can also be a great downfall, for as I grew old and matured I began to challenge my dad in many areas of life, school, games, athletics, opinions and sometimes sheer stubbornness and pride. At the time I don't believe I realized why I was doing this or even that I was, but nevertheless it happened and often caused feelings of enmity in myself towards him. As his illness progressed I began at times to alternate between wishing/praying for his death and feeling guilty for my doing so. After he passed away it was initially saddening because it was the ending of a chapter in life and the termination of many hopes.
It's been over a year since my fathers passing and a year ago I'd never thought I'd be where I am now. Yet strangely my father's passing dwells upon my mind and preys upon my dreams more then ever before, always in the dreams I am somewhat aware that he is gone, however often he comes, and sometimes in the dreams life gets better, and sometimes it becomes a twisted horrible nightmare. In my dreams my father does not exist as one person, rather more as two separate people, the one "Paul Scott" and man of intellect, education, humor and great love for the Lord, all the good that I remembered. In the other he is also "Paul Scott", a secluded man, harsh, argumentative, aggressive, and bitter, all his faults amplified to noticeable significance. Whatever the reason, life seems pressingly short and time is like the constant pouring of sand in an hourglass, flowing away faster then one can grasp.
During the last three months I've been attending Wyotech, I've become quieter and learned that much of what I thought was important, is in fact insignificant in the scheme of things. I've come to value friends, family and church more then ever before, and I cling to my faith in the Lord like a sailor flung overboard, clinging to the railing in a freezing storm. Often I've been told of the struggle it is for many who go off to college to hold on to the faith, how once in the company of others and through the pressure of their peers they abandoned the faith. I however cannot comprehend why any would do such, for in the presence of such ungodliness I seek the Lord in prayer and reading for fear that otherwise I would be drowned and thus lose the greatest anchor in my life. However I've also found that the more I value such relationships, the harder it is for me to let go of the old and forge onward towards the new.
I have a lot more time to think, to contemplate and to read, this creates both a peace and a restlessness. Like two men living one life, I can look in from the outside and ponder my own decisions, choices and future. How frustrating it is to preconceive the results for each action before it has been taken, or before the choice was made, often I wonder if it wouldn't simply be better for my to be blind in this respect and live a life blissfully unaware of the consequences to come. One man is a philosopher, he thinks, he reasons, he rarely acts and often ponders a single decision for days, much of his life is spent in sorrow saddened by the world, and his broken self. The second man is kept at bay, for how can he be of use, what can he possibly achieve locked behind walls of academic success and words of knowledge? He strives to run, to climb, be adventurous, to be dangerous to be a "real" man, yet he is often angry, jealous, fiery and eager. He is unfettered by the self-doubt caused by appearance, grades, speech, social ability and pride. To be the best of both would be a true blessing and the ultimate striving in life, yet it seems that one must be locked away while the other struggles onward, and who knows what will remain when this next year of my life is done?
Who wants to be an old man and tell the youthful that they never fought in a war, tested their metal against another man or struggled against an unjust cause? Who wants to say that all their life they never left their home town, because all the time they felt comfortable enough where they were at? What man wants to say that he never reached out because he was afraid he was to fat, large, clumsy, ugly, slow, unusual or unwelcome? How can a man grow to old age and then confess to the youth that never has he tackled the wilderness, struggled against nature or braved life threatening danger. What is a life worth if a man hasn't loved, helped, stood by and stood up even when the storms of life threatened to tear even his very life and pride from him. God forbid I be such a man, God forbid I follow my road, God Forbid.....
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