Is God enough?

Is God good enough for us? Is God good enough for me? My mind wants to say yes, but my heart says no. So much of our faith is determined by having a set of standards met, does our church meet our checklist, are our needs being met? The reality is that it's not about us, God didn't make this all to benefit us, he made it all.... then made man. All that we see, all that we have, all that we are is put here to glorify him, to lift praise to how great he is as God, as the creator. All we should need is him, and his son, yet we ask for so much more, and when our world is “falling apart”, it's not because he's leaving... It's because we don't have what we want, because we're hungry, or broke, or losing the things we called ours, it's because people have failed, or we have failed. None of this should matter next to our relationship with him, easy to say, impossible for me to live out. I'm human as are all of you (I'd hope :), thus we sin and fall short, of what? The glory of God.... does this mean we are to aspire to achieve his level of awesomeness?.. I think not, rather perhaps what it is we are falling short of, is our potential to glorify him.... ? IF we we're to truly live as if God was all, as if we had no need of material things to survive..... what would that look like? Think of what we could do, of how joyfully we could live..... if our attitude wasn't affected by anyone other then the Lord..... Does this mean there is no room for sorrow, for anger... for emotions outside of happiness... certainly not. Rather what saddens him should sadden us, what angers him, should frustrate us, what brings him joy, should brings us joy. IF we truly lived as though he was God and our “everything, everyone” then we would live in such a way as to bring him joy, and that living would give us pleasure knowing such. Think of the happiness it brings you when you do what pleases your parents and it brings them great joy, or when you make a friend smile, or a sibling laugh..... think of this.. God is so much greater and thus his responses are far more extreme and radical. This should both terrify us and bring excitement knowing just how great his feelings can be, thus when we please him... it's beyond our comprehension.... and when we sin..... his sorrow and anger is also beyond our comprehension..... how thrilling, yet terrifying.

God Forbid

April 6th, 1989 a son was born to the young couple Paul and Jacqueline Scott. Within a few hours it was clear that not all was as it should be and the newborns health was quickly declining, thus prompting the physicians to request a name for both the birth certificate.. and the death certificate.

I, David N. Scott have led an interesting life, I've lived in three different states, six different houses and as of today 21 years. During some time spent remembering it occurs to me that the most life changing events of my life have probably occurred within the last four years. Had you told me where I'd be a year ago I'd have taken it with some extreme consideration, two years ago I'd have been skeptical, three years ago and I'd thought you were insane. It is always amazing to look back upon the past and see just how much change can happen in such a short period of time. Perhaps the most significant is the past illness and death of my father, Paul Scott. After he passed away I continued on with college, and gave hardly a thought to his passing having for some reason failed to feel the remorse that I had anticipated upon his passing, However it seems that both my heart and mind are often slow to catch up to reality. Before I continue to far let me first clarify some aspects of my relationship with him, I loved him, he was my father and whether or not I agreed at the time, at the heart I did love him for him being my dad. Was he perfect? No, like any man he had his failings ans some of those he seemed to pass along to me, during the three years before his death I was often at odds with him, and even though I spent much of my time at the house I often avoided his company. Competitive nature can be a great blessing, however it can also be a great downfall, for as I grew old and matured I began to challenge my dad in many areas of life, school, games, athletics, opinions and sometimes sheer stubbornness and pride. At the time I don't believe I realized why I was doing this or even that I was, but nevertheless it happened and often caused feelings of enmity in myself towards him. As his illness progressed I began at times to alternate between wishing/praying for his death and feeling guilty for my doing so. After he passed away it was initially saddening because it was the ending of a chapter in life and the termination of many hopes.

It's been over a year since my fathers passing and a year ago I'd never thought I'd be where I am now. Yet strangely my father's passing dwells upon my mind and preys upon my dreams more then ever before, always in the dreams I am somewhat aware that he is gone, however often he comes, and sometimes in the dreams life gets better, and sometimes it becomes a twisted horrible nightmare. In my dreams my father does not exist as one person, rather more as two separate people, the one "Paul Scott" and man of intellect, education, humor and great love for the Lord, all the good that I remembered. In the other he is also "Paul Scott", a secluded man, harsh, argumentative, aggressive, and bitter, all his faults amplified to noticeable significance. Whatever the reason, life seems pressingly short and time is like the constant pouring of sand in an hourglass, flowing away faster then one can grasp.

During the last three months I've been attending Wyotech, I've become quieter and learned that much of what I thought was important, is in fact insignificant in the scheme of things. I've come to value friends, family and church more then ever before, and I cling to my faith in the Lord like a sailor flung overboard, clinging to the railing in a freezing storm. Often I've been told of the struggle it is for many who go off to college to hold on to the faith, how once in the company of others and through the pressure of their peers they abandoned the faith. I however cannot comprehend why any would do such, for in the presence of such ungodliness I seek the Lord in prayer and reading for fear that otherwise I would be drowned and thus lose the greatest anchor in my life. However I've also found that the more I value such relationships, the harder it is for me to let go of the old and forge onward towards the new.

I have a lot more time to think, to contemplate and to read, this creates both a peace and a restlessness. Like two men living one life, I can look in from the outside and ponder my own decisions, choices and future. How frustrating it is to preconceive the results for each action before it has been taken, or before the choice was made, often I wonder if it wouldn't simply be better for my to be blind in this respect and live a life blissfully unaware of the consequences to come. One man is a philosopher, he thinks, he reasons, he rarely acts and often ponders a single decision for days, much of his life is spent in sorrow saddened by the world, and his broken self. The second man is kept at bay, for how can he be of use, what can he possibly achieve locked behind walls of academic success and words of knowledge? He strives to run, to climb, be adventurous, to be dangerous to be a "real" man, yet he is often angry, jealous, fiery and eager. He is unfettered by the self-doubt caused by appearance, grades, speech, social ability and pride. To be the best of both would be a true blessing and the ultimate striving in life, yet it seems that one must be locked away while the other struggles onward, and who knows what will remain when this next year of my life is done?

Who wants to be an old man and tell the youthful that they never fought in a war, tested their metal against another man or struggled against an unjust cause? Who wants to say that all their life they never left their home town, because all the time they felt comfortable enough where they were at? What man wants to say that he never reached out because he was afraid he was to fat, large, clumsy, ugly, slow, unusual or unwelcome? How can a man grow to old age and then confess to the youth that never has he tackled the wilderness, struggled against nature or braved life threatening danger. What is a life worth if a man hasn't loved, helped, stood by and stood up even when the storms of life threatened to tear even his very life and pride from him. God forbid I be such a man, God forbid I follow my road, God Forbid.....

Guilt, Loneliness, Anger and a great darkness.

My name is David Scott, and my background and history are.. somewhat different. Forever a rebel I have often been the bad child, the loner and a rebel. For much of my first decade in life I struggled against the authority of both my parents and others placed above me, it was of course in simple and irreverent matters, yet I believe it may have set a pattern for things to come. Upon entering my teens I immediately entered into the common rebellious state that is associated with such a time in life, my mind was often absent, and my temper often in charge. During this time we lived in a suburban neighborhood, and upon one of these days a passerby introduced me to a great darkness. At first I put up no resistance to this dark, not understanding what it was or the danger it posed. Yet as time went on the experience of this darkness grew upon me in thought until I was inclined to pursue it upon my own volition without the encouragement of any outsiders. It started as simply a guilty pleasure, a little here, a little there, yet often it was in my thoughts and even my dreams. I knew when I first pursued it the evil that is was, yet I failed to understand the danger it could be to my entire life. After two years of pursuing this dark it came to the point where my thoughts and dreams were infiltrated to such a great extent that I was finally aware of how it was killing me. I repented. Yet this was not the end.

For some time I was able to resist, with the help of the Lord and my parents. Yet after roughly a year I began to look for it once again, I was at first limited and there were some restrictions that prevented me, yet I was able to find it. I I found some condolence in it, for during this I was in a constant state of rebellion with my father. I repented several times within a relatively short period. Yet all was for naught and it seems I was to struggle with the dark for years and years.

Today I still struggle, yet no longer has it become a physically present battle, rather it is in my dreams that it haunts me, follows me and approaches me at the weakest of times. How I hate it so, I dread it's coming and awaken as if from the most dreadful of nightmares, sweating, angry, panicked and often guilty.

How has this affected me now... I am often a lonely man, it is the memory and the guilt that haunts me everyday, when I least expect it, it is there. In church, in bed, while driving, while eating, when working, always the memory haunts me. However it is what the dark left in it's wake that kills me, the guilt, the anger, the sadness, the pain and worst of all the knowledge. Yes, with that darkness came knowledge, but of such a kind that can damage a mind and heart forever. Because of this there is so much I can not do, there are so many I cannot know. Cannot touch, cannot think, cannot feel, cannot know, cannot understand, cannot escape.. Guilt, Loneliness, Anger and a great haunting dark.

The First

This is my first blog to create in over four years. It's an interesting preoccupation blogging, I haven't done it for a while so hopefully I'll take the time to write. God knows I certainly have a vast collection of thoughts and mental preoccupations throughout the day, I just wish I could share them, write them down, something. Tonight I have to study for a test and I had some subjects I wished to write however creating the site took longer then I expected. Hope someone finds this of interest, God Bless