Guilt, Loneliness, Anger and a great darkness.

My name is David Scott, and my background and history are.. somewhat different. Forever a rebel I have often been the bad child, the loner and a rebel. For much of my first decade in life I struggled against the authority of both my parents and others placed above me, it was of course in simple and irreverent matters, yet I believe it may have set a pattern for things to come. Upon entering my teens I immediately entered into the common rebellious state that is associated with such a time in life, my mind was often absent, and my temper often in charge. During this time we lived in a suburban neighborhood, and upon one of these days a passerby introduced me to a great darkness. At first I put up no resistance to this dark, not understanding what it was or the danger it posed. Yet as time went on the experience of this darkness grew upon me in thought until I was inclined to pursue it upon my own volition without the encouragement of any outsiders. It started as simply a guilty pleasure, a little here, a little there, yet often it was in my thoughts and even my dreams. I knew when I first pursued it the evil that is was, yet I failed to understand the danger it could be to my entire life. After two years of pursuing this dark it came to the point where my thoughts and dreams were infiltrated to such a great extent that I was finally aware of how it was killing me. I repented. Yet this was not the end.

For some time I was able to resist, with the help of the Lord and my parents. Yet after roughly a year I began to look for it once again, I was at first limited and there were some restrictions that prevented me, yet I was able to find it. I I found some condolence in it, for during this I was in a constant state of rebellion with my father. I repented several times within a relatively short period. Yet all was for naught and it seems I was to struggle with the dark for years and years.

Today I still struggle, yet no longer has it become a physically present battle, rather it is in my dreams that it haunts me, follows me and approaches me at the weakest of times. How I hate it so, I dread it's coming and awaken as if from the most dreadful of nightmares, sweating, angry, panicked and often guilty.

How has this affected me now... I am often a lonely man, it is the memory and the guilt that haunts me everyday, when I least expect it, it is there. In church, in bed, while driving, while eating, when working, always the memory haunts me. However it is what the dark left in it's wake that kills me, the guilt, the anger, the sadness, the pain and worst of all the knowledge. Yes, with that darkness came knowledge, but of such a kind that can damage a mind and heart forever. Because of this there is so much I can not do, there are so many I cannot know. Cannot touch, cannot think, cannot feel, cannot know, cannot understand, cannot escape.. Guilt, Loneliness, Anger and a great haunting dark.